crying on the train...

I have realized being a 'women and genders study' minor that I have started to see the world through pink and blue lenses.

I watch what boys do and what girls do and how we classify what is socially acceptable for each group to do. for instance if I farted while I was sitting on the couch with my hands down my pants my mom would tell me I was not being very lady-like and make a slew of disgruntled noises. Yet, having plenty of guy-friends, I am a spectator to this sort of behavior on regular basis.

Shaundria was telling me she overheard a boy on the train this week talking with his (ex)girlfriend on the phone about how to work on their relationship. It really is amazing what people will say on the phone in public spaces with out thinking that people can hear them. Anyway he ended the conversation with “I love you so much, and we will work this out, I have to let you go or I am going to cry on the train”

When Shaun told me that I thought back to last year when I would have loud and aggressive fights on the phone on the train (because I am one of those people who yells into my phone with out thinking about how the person next to me can hear me) I would cry my eyes out on the train and listen to death cab for cutie and feel like all of my dysfunctions were life shattering problems and not just a part of being in my twenties.

I wondered what it would have looked like if that guy had cried on the train.

Because its not really that socially acceptable for men to cry and yell “I hate you” into a phone in a public place.  And while I may have been obnoxious the many times I found myself doing just that, no one would have thought I was less of a woman.

I think the statement “there are only two kinds of people in this world” is a really lame and unrealistic way to start any thought, and yet we do this daily. There are only two kinds of people in this world “men and women.” And I find myself wondering about the social constructions behind those words and if any of us are really all or none of those ideas.

Feminist Fridays

I read a book called "Cunt" a few months ago. (I hope to write more about that later)  and I have thought a lot about a chapter in which the author Inga Musicio talks about how she made an effort to listen to more women musicians because she said that unless women were pop stars they are not often taken as seriously as men in their craft.

( I am not a feminist to down on men, women treat each other equally as disrespectful , but you can't deny that there has been a long history of not taking women seriously so the problem is most likely not enough people think about it, so the habit continues. )

Madonna was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame this year. Totally deserving, considering her influence, and not exactly a shock to anyone, unless you consider that out of the 200 plus artists in the Hall, only twenty of them are women. Another seven women who were nominated as part of a band: (Tina Weymouth from the Talking Heads, Debbie Harry of Blondie, Christine McVie and Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac..)

Twenty. That's not many.

Growing up, I wanted to be a rock star, I took guitar lessons, I took voice lessons and I took piano lessons but I never did anything with it.  Not because I am shy or have stage fright, because I can assure you that is not the case, but because I didn't take myself seriously.  I didn't see other women like me represented in the music that I listened to as often and never questioned why.  Not to mention the fact that I was a music leader in my church and people verbaly got upset about it because that was "not a job for a young woman." All of my guy friends were in bands, and none of them were genius song writers or even that far along with their instruments, but I intrinsically thought  that I couldn't do what they did. so I resorted to dating boys in bands instead of starting my own.

Anyway back to "Cunt", Inga said she went a whole year only listening to music that was made by women artists and that she started to see a shift in how she saw herself as women.

I thought about that this week when I looked at my top 25 playlist..

the thing that is the common bond between all 25 is that every one of them has a woman musician in the band.

I started playing guitar for our church  a few weeks ago, I am by no means "good" at it. I can barely play and I only started out of necessity, because I was sick of relying on boy rockstars who wouldn't show up.

Now Shaundria, Phill and I do the music and I can barely play the guitar but I feel like I can at least give it a shot, because if Allison Mosshart, Ani Difranco, Courtney Love, and Florence Welch can do it, so can I.

so I encourage you to look at how many women are on your playlist and if it's not many, go to the library, they give music out for free there, and check out as many women musicians as you can and put them on your ipod, and listen to them.

you just might awaken your inner rock star.

I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

              

I have taken a break from writing on purpose for a while. Sometimes you feel really vulnerable and have to hide away for a bit.

This past year has been one of a lot of struggles.  I have had to rebuild my life in a lot of ways because a lot of my plans failed. But the best part about failure is that you can wipe the slate clean and start over. I am not a fan of secrecy, and pretending or even building walls to keep people out. On a good day I am outgoing, I am a people person, I am hopeful, I believe in humanity and love the connection in joining in the conversation about my experiences as a human, a woman, and misfit.

I read this quote this week:

 "Buy a blank notebook. Draw a huge heart on the cover. Don’t write anything negative in here. If you need another outlet, make a separate notebook. This one is all about love, personal growth, and getting back up. Fill it with beautiful images, reaffirming thoughts, and quotes. Write in it every day, and each day write one thing you’re grateful for in your life."

Kim, Advice from a Mermaid in a Manhole

And it got me thinking. You can struggle while still looking for undercurrent of beauty in things.

And that is my plan.

Because maybe I don’t know what I am doing, or what will come of all this, but I heard a song put on a mix c.d. for me and it’s been my soul food all week.

“Oh I’ve had my chances and I’ve taken them all

Just to end up right back here on the floor

To end up right back here on the floor”

Oh, I’ve felt that fire, and I, I’ve been burned,

But I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned

I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned”

 -pink crystal ball

I say we let ourselves make mistakes and be brave enough to not let them keep us stranded in them but to find a way to still fly.

Answers from Alicia

This week, I decided to open the blog up for questions, since I am obviously so qualified and trained for doing so.  This weeks question is...


Dear Alicia,

I love reading your self-love blogs, they are really cute. you are so smart and awesome.  but I was wondering, I have been exercising regularly, and eating healthy, and doing sit ups in my down time at work, can you tell me why I still don't look like this?

Sincerely,

 no one will love me unless I am perfect.

 Dear, no one will love me unless I am perfect.

Thanks very much for the kind words. And I can tell you easily why you don't look like Ciara. number one because Ciara, has a personal trainer that she works out with for as long as some of us actually work, so unless you are getting paid to bust your ass in the gym, I doubt you can devote the same amount of time to work out as her, My advice on that is to quit your job so that you can spend those hours working out, so that you too can have a body like hers.  Also She has someone prepare her meals for her, someone that probably has a degree in nutrition and spends a lot of time finding healthy alternatives to things like salt and sugar , this person probably spends a lot of time calculating calories and planning her meals for the week. So for this I would in your spare time from working out, read up on nutrition, plan your meals, and then spend a lot of time preparing them which leaves you plenty of time to sleep, and look at your fabulous body in the mirror. And after all of this you will probably find you still have imperfections, such as small amounts of cellulite on your ass, pores, hair, and bruises. Don't leave the house for fear people will see those things, unless you cover it with expensive clothing, that way people will be distracted by your labels and not see that you do in fact have pores.   Get your photograph taken and then professionally retouched so that  all the things that make you human are removed and all that's left is smoothed skin and enhanced features that don't really exist in real life. Then you can be perfect and feel good enough.

Alicia Diamond