"which to bury, us or the hatchet?"

I read a book once that said a lot of times we use cheap forgiveness because we feel like we must forgive without truly weighing and dealing with that which we are forgiving and to truly and authentically forgive someone you have to wade through everything and come to terms with it.

and that in reality  you have 3 options when hurt by someone.

1. Forgive

2. not forgive

3. acceptance

(you can accept that you were hurt, and that person was wrong and choose to let go of the hold that hurt has on your life without allowing that person the opportunity to do it again)

 Growing up in church I misunderstood all those sermons about having to forgive. I thought I had only one option, forgive and burry my hurt deep down. That never worked well for me.  Mostly because I am a hailstorm of emotions on a good day and when I am hurt I don't do well with burying shit, unless its evidence. Some people when bitten can leave the bite alone. not me. I swat at whatever bit me and itch it until it bleeds. I use this same approach with people I am finding out. It may or may not be my Achilles heel but we all have our vices and this is mine.

I never truly understood forgiveness  and still have a hard time with the logistics of it, so I won't pretend to be an expert. Everything I am writing has the possibility to be completely incorrect but this is where I am at right now at this moment with how one can forgive without being a doormat and opening their heart up to get hurt again.

 I like the idea that I have options. I am a big fan of options.

I read a poem today about peanut butter and apples and the poet wrote the word forgive like this "for-give".

I think that in some circumstances that's what forgiveness is, giving someone the benefit of the doubt before they have earned it. and that's a risk only you can chose to offer someone, but you can only offer it when you have weighed it completely or else its cheap forgiveness. I also think forgiveness isn't a onetime deal. I was once hurt by the closest person to me completely by accident and every time I had a reminder of this pain I had to forgive him all over again. sometimes it was every day.

I image people who lose loved ones to drunk drivers have to forgive on every birthday, holiday and morning they wake up missing that person.

make sure the people you offer complete forgiveness to are worth that struggle, because radical self love means that we don't allow people to abuse our forgiveness. And people with Radical self love know sometimes it's easier to accept and love people at a distance to maintain the kind of mental health and ability to continue loving others we deserve. and only you can choose which one is right for you.

(If you would like to read the book I referenced go here)